Today’s topic: Celibacy.
I’ve been debating sharing my thoughts on my personal struggles in general because I am an EXTREMELY private person, but my niece tends to notice when I neglect my blog posts, and I was recently made aware of a few friends and acquaintances who actually peruse this thing from time to time, so why not take the opportunity to educate and relate? Besides, blogging for me is cathartic, which is why I started in the first place.
My mom and I decided that when I’m not interested in a guy I’ll tell them I’m celibate. Why? Because New Jersey culture is a lot different than North Carolina culture, and letting a guy know he’s not getting any cookie will make him scatter like a roach when you turn the lights on. Now the only downside is that men I am interested in tend to have this same reaction, too.
So why am I celibate? I made the decision after my toxic relationship ended. I’ve never shared this with anyone, but during that period of my life I was pressured and made to do things I didn’t want to do sexually. There were things that utterly disgusted me, but I did them for the sake of “compromise” and trying to please someone who himself was attempting to ameliorate his own insecurities. Unfortunately, a lot of young women do this as well just to claim someone as “boyfriend”, “fiancé”, or “husband”, even if they are unworthy of the title.
I went to a military high school, and one of the phrases we retained was “Hurry up and wait.” It is just as annoying now as it was back then, but still holds true. There are particular things in life you can’t rush without forfeiting something else of value.
Emotionally, sex is a distraction for me. I am a person of absolutes, so when I commit to anything, it has all of my attention. I’m not saying that’s my best quality, but I’m working on being more appropriately focused on myself. In my relationships, I give a lot and I require a lot, and I just need someone to match my energy. I need a partner who understands what it means to have sex with someone and adjoin your soul to that person; it’s the same as other philosophical and fundamental values I have to share with someone. I’m interested in experiencing better relationships, not better sex. And honestly, I’m a lot less tolerant after what I went through, so openly talking about my celibacy sort of weeds out men who aren’t really interested in a serious relationship.
Now being celibate isn’t all that bad. For me, it ebbs and flows. I vacillate between the security of knowing I’m doing what’s best for me and wanting to jump on one of the innumerable bicep-and-pectorally-endowed men in the gym. I mean, do you want me to tell you the truth or lie to you? There are positives, too. For instance, the enlightened Meredith Grey said, “My sex drive has become my work drive”, and man, have my career and debt really seen some positive change as of late. Celibacy aside, I have taken the past 2 years or so to simply discover and improve myself. From the ages of 17 to 24, I focused on relationships and was obsessed with getting married and having children before the age of 25. I had ambitions for my life, but spent all of my energy trying to improve someone else’s. As wisdom has set in, I’ve changed directions and decided that what is meant for me will come in it’s time. And if God has destined me to be the cool single aunt who travels the world, my self worth is unaffected.
Since I can never be serious, my friends and I always joke about me being celibate. It’s not something I hide or I’m ashamed of. I understand it’s the unpopular opinion on the matter, but here’s the best part – I control what I do with my body. No one else has to live with my decisions, and no one is suffering because I’m deciding to keep my legs closed. So whenever someone says they feel bad or sex is something we need, I just take a step back and remember I need my sanity more, and how I’m investing in myself and my future husband in the long term.
So to my fellow “Friends in Waiting”, it’s okay. Maintain your standards and someone of merit will meet them. You are worth it and you’re not asking to much. After all, there’s nothing worse than settling for less than you deserve.